An Epiphany!

Living in the same house as your ex is a uniquely confusing experience.

I've moved out of the bedroom, into the guest room, which is a good boundary. During the week, Mr. Ex goes off to work, I do my thing, and it seems like a pretty good arrangement.

Then, in the evenings, or on the weekends, when we are together, it's highly weird. We get along fine, so that's not an issue. In fact, maybe that's the problem. It's so easy to fall into the old pattern of hanging out and doing things together, that in a way it feels like we never broke up.

But, added to this mix is something I like to call "The Silence". The Silence comes about when we are both home, engaged in our usual daytime or evening activities, like watching TV, doing e-mail, reading, etc. It's as though we each live alone. We don't talk to each other very much. We're just sort of each leading a separate life, in the same living room.

Then someone forgets we are broken up, and we talk a bit, but soon it's back to The Silence.

My epiphany is that during The Silence, I feel exactly the same feeling as I do when I'm sitting in a doctor's crowded waiting room, waiting for my name to be called for some scary/painful medical procedure. Part of me wants them to just call my name so we can get it over with, while the other part hopes they forget me and my name is never called.

It would be easy to fall into the comfortable patterns of the past, but as our dear Elphie says just before the end of Act I of Wicked: "I don't want it...I can't want it any more."